No doubt you, like 99 percent of the civilized world, have taken the Giraffe Test. So you’re well aware that…

What, you say you haven’t taken the test? Mercy me. We need to get you up to snuff, then, because this thing is important. Purportedly devised by Anderson Consulting, the Giraffe Test measures various of your abilities to reason in a way that allows you to function on a level above, say, protoplasm.

But not so fast. My friend Pat Bowman emailed the test to me a few days ago, and having taken it, I’ve concluded that the test itself suffers from a few gaps in logic. In fact, whoever designed the Giraffe Test is–I shall put this delicately–crazy.

Below is the test. After the answer provided for each of the four questions, you’ll find my own response, which I think is a bit more real-world than the one furnished by the test developer.

THE GIRAFFE TEST

First Question: How do you put a giraffe  into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

Now scroll down

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[Note: Don’t you find this scroll-down business annoying as hell?]

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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the  door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

My Response: You’ve got to be kidding. WROOOONG! Wrong, wrong, wrong! We are talking about a freeking giraffe here, not a jar of mayonnaise. So unless your refrigerator is the size of a giraffe, you haven’t got just a major project on your hands, you’ve got an impossible one. Unless, of course, you kill and butcher the giraffe, in which case, still, no way are you ever going to pack all that meat into your standard refrigerator. Even if you’ve got a honking huge freezer chest, you’d better have lots of friends and family whose mouths water for giraffe, because you’re going to be giving plenty of it away.

Just for chuckles, though, let’s say you actually own a fridge that will accommodate a live giraffe–a fridge twenty-one feet tall, fifteen feet wide, and eight feet deep, sitting out there on the back forty next to your meth lab. Do you seriously think that a creature as big as a giraffe is going to willingly comply with being stuffed inside a cold, dark, airtight container? At the very least, you’re going to need a tranquilizer gun, plenty of helpers, protective gear to go around, and all the equipment necessary to implement successful giraffe refrigeration. And by the way, have you got a permit for that giraffe? The US Department of Agriculture will take a dim view of your activities if you don’t.

The so-called “correct answer” reveals the test developer’s tendency to hugely oversimplify complex issues. Whoever came up with that response is clearly in middle management.

Next Question: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the  refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the  refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and  close the door. This tests your ability to think through the  repercussions of your previous actions.

My Response: Okay, I’ll play along. And nope, Right Answer. It was a different refrigerator. For this task, I had to go out and purchase one the size of an elephant. The question actually reveals the test designer’s failure to think through the repercussions of his or her lack of specificity regarding the respondent’s refrigeration options.

Third Question: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend–except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

My Response: Wrong again. I let the elephant out. He was going utterly berserk in the refrigerator. What did the test designer expect–that the elephant would just sit there and placidly suffocate to death while the Lion King organized his little fete? I’d have had to to deliver the carcass to the conference on a flatbed truck.

The last I saw of the the elephant, he was heading into the forest and presumably arrived at the meeting intact and on time. The correct answer, then, is that none of the animals is missing from the Lion King’s … omigod, the giraffe. I don’t even want to look.

Moving on, this test has one last opportunity to demonstrate some semblance of sanity. Let’s see how it fares with …

The Final Question:

There is a river you must cross, but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

My Response: Is there something wrong with simply walking across the bridge like I did? The “Correct Answer” reveals the test designer’s tendency to overlook the obvious, and thus, to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

According to Anderson Consulting  Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a  four-year-old.

Send this out to frustrate your smart friends.

Or, alternatively, send this article to the smarty-pants at Anderson Consulting, who have demonstrated that, unlike most professionals, they obviously do possess the brains of a four-year-old.